Dear Parent Teacher Conference,
My 12-year-old son just started middle school, and I’m watching him struggle in a way that breaks my heart. He’s always been on the quiet side, but now he comes home every day and goes straight to his room. When I ask about his day, he just shrugs. I’ve tried asking if he’s made any friends, and he says everyone already has their groups and he doesn’t know how to join in. He eats lunch alone and doesn’t talk to anyone between classes. I want to help him, but I don’t know what to do without making things worse or embarrassing him. How can I support my shy middle schooler in making friends?
– Lonely in Longmont
Dear Lonely,
Your instinct to help is exactly right, and your concern about not making things worse shows you understand something important: middle school friendships can’t be forced, and your son needs to learn these skills himself. But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. There’s actually quite a bit you can do to support him from the sidelines.
First, know this: shy doesn’t mean broken. Some children are naturally more reserved, take longer to warm up to new people, and prefer smaller social circles. Your son may never be the kid with dozens of friends, and that’s okay. What matters is helping him build one or two meaningful connections with peers who share his interests.
Start with conversations, not solutions. Instead of “How was your day?” try more specific questions: “What did you do at lunch today?” or “Who do you sit next to in math?” Listen without immediately jumping in to fix things. When he does open up, resist the urge to say “Just go talk to someone!” – that feels dismissive to a child who genuinely finds that terrifying.
Focus on shared interests and activities outside the school day. Middle school social dynamics can be complex with friend groups solidifying quickly, that can make breaking in feel difficult. But activities create natural entry points. Friendships form more easily when kids share experiences repeatedly over time around a common interest.
Encourage your son to get involved in activities at school that happen outside of regular class time. St. Vrain middle schools offer many opportunities for students to join clubs or play sports – everything from robotics and art club to basketball and cross country. These activities give shy kids a built-in reason to interact with the same peers regularly, which makes conversation easier and friendships more likely to develop naturally.
Teach conversation skills explicitly. For shy kids, small talk doesn’t come naturally, it’s a skill that needs to be taught. Practice at home. Teach him how to ask open-ended questions: “What games do you play?” “What did you think of that assignment?” Role-play scenarios: What do you say when you want to join a conversation? This might feel awkward, but it gives him tools he can actually use.
Be patient with the timeline. Making friends won’t happen overnight. Progress might look like your son mentioning someone’s name once, or sitting near someone at lunch instead of alone. Celebrate these small wins without making a big deal out of them.
Check in on his emotional health. If your son’s isolation feels like more than shyness and if he seems genuinely depressed or anxious, talk to his school counselor. Sometimes kids need professional support to work through social anxiety.
Your son is lucky to have a parent who sees his struggle and wants to help. Keep the lines of communication open. Keep encouraging him to find his people through activities he enjoys. Keep reminding him that he’s worthy of friendship exactly as he is. He’ll find his way. It just might take a little time.
– Parent Teacher Conference